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What if? What if? What if? Time for the What if Positives!

Sometimes it feels like our brains are wired for worst case scenarios. Especially as our stress levels go up. One thing piles on top of another and it’s all we can do to manage each of the thoughts that come up in our brains. And unfortunately, so many of us go straight to what I call the What If Negatives. Our brains are actually wired this way, originally as a form of protection. Most people also have times of struggle with fear, anxiety, worry, and doubt. This only reinforces the what ifs in our minds that we may ruminate on and end up expending quite a bit wasted energy throughout the entire day.

Our minds take in what we give them. We pile in the negative, worst case scenarios usually (and unfortunately) with ease. This sends messages to our brains and whole bodies that there is a lot to fear and worry about out there. We focus on all of the things that might happen and end up scaring ourselves into thinking it will happen. In Habib Sadeghi’s book The Clarity Cleanse, he talks about patients he works with that scare themselves with their worst case scenario thoughts. His response…”Our lives are filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which never happen.” True, and yet we spend so much time obsessing on the What If Negatives.

Nurturing our brains with positivity is really important. I talk with my clients who tend towards worry to begin to build up the positives in their brain. This exercise is what I am referring to as the What If Positives. Our minds and bodies follow our lead. It is extremely important for our health to at the very least, tie up the score of What If Negatives with What If Positives.

There is wonderful research out there on positive thinking and the impact it has on our lives. Positive thinking not only decreases stress and depression, but it also can have an impact on our physical health. Evidence supports that positive thinking provides resistance to the common cold, increase in lifespan, and help with general physical and psychological well being. This is an incredible medicine.

So here’s how to start. It will involve forming a new habit and rewiring a fresh way of thinking. The wonderful thing is that we can do this. WE control our thoughts and the input into our minds. Our minds and bodies are ready and able to make shifts. Start here…every time a What If Negative comes to mind, add a What If Positive. For ease, you can let it be the exact opposite. An example…when the thought comes into mind, “what if I don’t get this job”, add a “what if I get this job” right in there with it. Or, “what if I get the exact best job for me”. “What if I do terribly on my presentation and everyone thinks I’m awful” shifts to “What if I rock this thing and my boss tells me I did a great job.”

Next, start building the What If Positives into your thoughts even when there isn’t a negative. This will come more naturally once you get the first part down of adding a positive thought to a negative thought. Throughout the day we have a million thoughts so simply start making some of these positive scenarios. Positive outcomes for each and every little thing. What if the line at Starbucks is super short and I’m not late to work. What if I love my new haircut. What if I learn 3 new things from this all day workshop. What if she says I love you back! SO many What If Positives!

The whole point of this exercise is that we need to help shift our brains from habitual negative thoughts to include habitual positive thoughts. Our brains need it. Honestly, there are so many negative, scary messages sent every day just by watching the news, or checking in on our social media of choice. It’s out there, so we’ve got to take an active approach to balancing it out, and hopefully make the positive thoughts the majority ones we have. Our minds and bodies will feel the difference.

A final thought…what ifs can be present due to intense situations. In life we are at times faced with truly scary, terrible what ifs. What if my daughter gets the diagnosis? What if the surgery doesn’t work? What if my husband leaves me? There are times when we do end up in life’s unfortunate, terribly challenging situations. And there isn’t an exact opposite counter, and it may be challenging to pull up the positives. But maybe you can fill your mind with some positivity in a different way. What if we figure out a way to make it through? What if we have the very best doctors? What if the surgery goes perfectly? What if we have a very long and good marriage together? In these times, it may be helpful to also seek professional support. Life’s most challenging experiences can be difficult to navigate and having someone supporting you outside of family/friends can be exactly what you need.

Next Steps

If you are struggling with anxiety or dealing with challenging experiences and would like additional support, please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.

Setting Limits with Kids, Positively

One of the hardest parts of parenting is providing guidance when things are not going well. Obviously. When things are going well it’s easy to ride the high of being a parent and loving on your children. It’s enjoyable and reinforces all of the many reasons for having a family. Discipline, consequences, setting limits, boundaries, and expectations are not likely one of the reasons. It’s tough and the behaviors that require the limits are even tougher. They can wear on you so much that when it comes to setting the limit, your emotional brain has already been triggered or exhausted and all you want to do is scream.

Limits must be set in order for children to learn how to function in the world. They crave limits…even teenagers. Truly. Limits provide a sense of control and understanding. Without limits, kids get confused with the behaviors expected of them. It’s important to have some “go tos”. I’m going to share my favorite go to for setting limits in a positive way.

Garry Landreth is and will always be one of my heroes. He is a well known author, play therapist, professor, researcher, and scholar. He KNOWS kids. He knows how to interact with them, how to nurture their needs, how to build the best therapeutic relationships with kids, and he knows how to set limits. Which is actually a really important way to interact with kids, nurture their needs, and build wonderful relationships. I take my favorite limit setting tool from Dr. Landreth’s good work and it goes like this.

Positive Limit Setting This is a simple way to set limits with children in a more therapeutic manner. You can remember it by thinking of the letters A.C.T.

A = Acknowledge the child’s feeling

C = Communicate the limit

T = Target an alternative

Acknowledging the Feeling. One of the most important pieces of limit setting that caregivers often forget is validating children’s feelings. When children need a limit, they are almost always having a feeling and the feeling most often gets lost in the discipline. But the feeling is key. Think about in your own life, maybe when discussing a problem with a friend or your partner and the conversation goes right to the solution and your feeling never gets heard. This doesn’t feel good. You may even wonder, were they even listening to me? The same goes for kids. If they are struggling with a behavior it is linked with a feeling or experience that needs to be heard and not ignored. They are “going through” something and need their emotions supported, even when the behavior is not desirable. This technique is excellent for young children, but can be used in adjusted language for older kids too. Even teenagers need their feelings heard when they are acting out. Recognizing your child’s emotion by giving it a name and some nurturance will also increase your child’s emotional intelligence, an incredibly valuable skill. And if it’s not so much a feeling, it might just be acknowledging what your child is experiencing by saying, “Looks like you…” or “I can tell you really want to…”. This is still sending the message to your child that you care about what THEY are experiencing.

Communicate the limit. Don’t forget to clearly state the limit, helping your child identify the behavior that isn’t okay. Even if you think they know it, state it anyways. They need to hear you say it plus it gives you an opportunity to clearly state exactly what you want that limit to be. In their mind, there may be exceptions, variance, etc. therefore you want to clearly state YOUR limit.

Target an Alternative. Giving an alternative behavior or action is really helpful too. Kids need so much guidance from us. In as sense, we are acting as their more developed brains for them. They only have access to the small part of their brain that has been developed. Their brain continues to develop throughout childhood, adolescence, and even until they are young adults. The part of the brain that is still developing is the part that helps people think critically, problem solve, and make good decisions. Therefore, when dealing with feelings and behaviors, it’s way more challenging for children to manage than for adults who have fully developed brains. Children are able to have the strong feelings and impulses but just don’t quite know what to do with them. We are here for them helping them understand behaviorally what goes and what doesn’t go. And they likely NEED an alternate behavior or action to express themselves and their feelings that is appropriate and yet still gets the feeling out.

Here are a few examples to help get you started using positive limit setting:

A   “You are feeling excited and silly playing with your toys!”

C   “But toys are not for throwing.”

T    “You can throw the ball outside or you can slide your toys on the floor.”

A   “I can see you are feeling mad right now.”

C   “But people are not for hitting.”

T   “You may hit your pillow or use your words to tell your brother why you are angry.”

A   “I know you are sad today.”

C   “But you have to finish your homework.”

T   “You can work at the kitchen table or on the desk in the den.”

A   “Looks like you really want a cookie. You must be hungry and I know you love cookies.”

C   “Cookies are for after dinner.”

T   “You can have a carrot stick or help me set the table for dinner.”

Just like any new tool, any new language, it takes practice. You have to get used to shifting your language while speaking calmly. Approaching your child with lots of love and kindness when you say these words is key. And at the same time the words need to be easy to understand and clear.

Next Steps

I have a background in child development and work with parents and caregivers of kids of all ages to build lasting positive relationships with their children. If you are a parent or caregiver who would like additional support and coaching, please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.

Couples Weekly Business Meeting

Have you ever thought about your marriage, partnership, or household as a business? I hate to take the romance out of it, but just for a minute, consider this idea because I think there is quite a bit of truth to it. A business has a schedule, a budget, goals, working relationships, individuals who contribute to a mission or cause based on their skills, and a to-do list of daily work and ongoing projects. Sound like running a household to you? Me too!

The similarities are actually quite clear. One thing that almost every business has is a staff meeting. So why in the world don’t we have this similar practice at home? Engaging in a regular meeting with the two individuals in charge of the “company” can increase organization, make for better planning, ensure expectations are clear, save money by reviewing the finances regularly, and improve the management of all of the many moving parts of a household. Plus, many of the challenging areas of household management and partnership come back to communication. If there was a designated time, to PROACTIVELY take care of the “business”, much miscommunication and conflict could be avoided. Meetings help people who are collaborating on the same goals to work together, express their needs, and set expectations. These types of conversations about your life are super important and yet so very often they are missed or even avoided.

Here are some ideas and tips for setting up your Couples Weekly Business Meeting:

TIMING. The first thing to think through is the timing. It is ideal to have this meeting occur at the same time every week, and if weekly just doesn’t work, make it every other week. You definitely want to set yourselves up for success! Choose a time when there will be no distractions. If there are kids in your home, make sure your meetings are at a time when they are well cared for, preferably out of the house or sleeping!

FOCUS. The next area to think through is how best you can focus on this meeting as a couple. Make sure again that if there are kids in your home, they are taken care of, cell phones are off/silenced/in another room, and this meeting is the only thing on your calendar at this time. Don’t come to the meeting hangry! Come well nourished and well hydrated. Take care of these needs beforehand, JUST like you would for a meeting at work. These distractions will very quickly take away your focus.

KINDNESS. Start with kindness. Check in with your partner. Make sure that you both feel heard and supported if emotions come up. I think it is useful to start the meeting with a general check in…ask each other how do you feel things are going? How was this past week? What can I do to help support you in this upcoming week? For some, it may even be helpful to start the meeting with a few minutes of deep breathing, just to get to a kind and calm place.

AGENDA. Think through together what your agenda should include. A few ideas…General Relationship Check In,Calendar Review, Budget Review, Weekly Tasks, On-going Projects, Goals, Kids Needs (if applicable). Order these in a way that makes sense for you but keep in mind any agenda items that might be more intense or triggering and surround them with items that will be more connecting. Don’t forget to bring your sense of humor to help lighten up intense work. Always end on a positive note as the hope is that this meeting will set the tone for the week!

PREPARATION. Come prepared with your notebook, laptop, paperwork, calendar etc. but also, and likely more importantly, think through the emotional preparation. These can be tough conversations… Budget? Individual contributions? Goals? Hard conversations for sure! As you begin discussing adding a regular business meeting to your life, talk through what are the areas that are stressful and what are the emotions that might come up and need some support. Money talk is almost ALWAYS stressful so give this one some thought. This may even include, who is driving if you are doing a review of your budget online? Who holds the mouse at which discussion point/agenda item (this one is from experience!) may actually be really important. Identify historically sensitive situations that are going to be intense, and then be intentional about your pre-work. Coaches do this before games. Dancers do this before performances. You have to get centered and into the right mindset so that you can begin within the best space possible This is the pre-game, pre-show work that is so critical to being successful.

WRAP-UP. It is crucial to wrap-up the meeting well. Make sure that expectations for the week, the projects, the finances, etc. are clear. Repeat any notes that were taken. Ensure that calendars are aligned. And most of all, end in connection, whatever that looks like for the two of you. Take a moment to thank each other for all that you bring to the partnership and household. Hug. Celebrate the good work you are doing as a couple!

There are many variations on business meetings and so I think there can be on this type of meeting as well. What is most important is that you do what works best for you as a couple and that you stay open to talking about what doesn’t work. Try out different ways of running the meeting, evaluate, then adjust and then re-evaluate and readjust. Know that it may take a little more work in the beginning, especially as you figure out the little emotional nuances like who’s driving the mouse! But after a little bit of practice, your Couples Business Meeting may end up being your favorite weekly date!

Next Steps
Through relationship coaching, I work with people who desire meaningful and positive partner, personal, and professional relationships.If you are someone looking to find support in working towards better relationship in your life, there are therapists such as myself that specialize in supporting these needs. Please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. I can let you know if I think therapy would be a good fit for you. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.

Celebrate International Children’s Book Day with Wilma Jean the Worry Machine

Did you know that April 2nd is International Children’s Book Day? What a wonderful thing to celebrate! I still remember fondly so many of the books I read as a child and can see how strongly they impacted me. Reading books helps children in many ways. They develop language skills, of course, but they also learn a great deal about life, relating to others, the world, behaviors, experiences, etc. etc. etc. Through books, children are able to understand new concepts and in reading the stories of others, they are able to feel validated in their own stories and experiences. Children’s books are powerful and my list of the ones I love to recommend to parents is quite long! So, I’m going to highlight 3 favorites here in order to help recognize and celebrate International Children’s Book Day!

The three books I have selected off of my long list are books that I have used in my work with children and families over the years to help teach kids about feelings. One of the greatest challenges for children as they relate to others and experience many new things every day, is how to handle and express their feelings. Children’s feelings can be SO big and FEEL so big. It’s important that we provide them with a model for how to deal with and identify their feelings using relatable stories. That’s the first step — “feelings identification”. If we can help children learn how they experience each feeling in their body and name them, we are setting them up for strong emotional intelligence as an adult!

Today I Feel Silly & Other Moods that Make My Day by Jamie Lee Curtis is spectacular. And I use the word spectacular because that’s sort of the best word to describe the experience that the main character has throughout the book. Spectacular feelings, spectacular pictures, spectacular experiences. She has so many feelings each day, some joyful and silly, others harder like grumpy and mad, and she feels them all in a spectacular way. It is indeed a silly book that is very relatable to children and the ups and downs of their worlds each day. I appreciate the variety of feelings expressed by this amazing little girl and the way the author describes the emotions and each of the reasons, big and small, behind the many feelings.

Another favorite of mine, particularly when I am helping children who are struggling with expressing sadness is Tough Boris by Mem Fox. You would never ever ever think in a million years that Tough Boris the pirate would be sad or, even crazier, cry! But Tough Boris does indeed have a tender sensitive side, like all of us humans, and he expresses it well. I highly recommend this book for a child who is having a hard time expressing sadness. Sad can be hard for kids, especially when they think of being sad as a weakness or “uncool”. Boris helps show kids that they can be both tough and all kinds of cool and yet still be sad, especially when you face something in life worth being sad about. Just a heads up this one may get to you as well! Tough Boris is also a really helpful book for a child who has experienced loss or grief.

Now for your worriers……I have the PERFECT book…just look at her. Can’t you just relate?? The main character of this story has become so dear to me when working with parents of kids who struggle with anxiety. And her name is Wilma Jean the Worry Machine. This is the title of the brilliant book written by Julia Cook. Wilma Jean does a fantastic job of worrying. She worries about big things like getting called on in math class, not knowing the question, kids making fun of her, AND it all ending up in the school newspaper. She worries about little things like what if they are serving buttered carrots which she hates for lunch in the cafeteria. She worries about it all. Luckily, she has a great mom who jumps in and decides Wilma Jean needs some help managing her worries. Mom gets the school involved and Wilma Jean’s team of supporters are able to give her some coping techniques that make a huge difference in her life. The story helps kids not only identify what it means to worry but also how to sort through the worries they can control and worries they cannot control. I like that this story is helpful and relatable for kids, but also gives parents a couple of good ideas to try with their kids too. Plus, it’s just a ton of fun to say “Wilma Jean the Worry Machine”!

Reading books with your children can bring about an abundance of positive outcomes. It can expand their minds and build curiosity.  Reading can help them cope with their own experiences and feelings. There are a multitude of studies that prove that reading with your children has incredible benefits, like this recent study that shows that reading can benefit your child’s behavior and attention. Reading books with your kids also builds your relationship. Books like the ones above, offer wonderful opportunities to help your child navigate their emotional world and engage in interactions with you on how to deal with it all. In my opinion this is one of the greatest gifts books can bring to children and parents…helping start the hard conversations and giving parents a way to use language and stories to engage in these conversations.

Next Steps

I have a background in child development and work with parents and caregivers of kids of all ages to build lasting positive relationships with their children. If you are a parent or caregiver who would like additional support and coaching, please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.

“What Am I Even Doing Here?” Boundary Lessons From A 7 Year Old

Boundaries are one of THE musts of a healthy life at home, in relationships, and in work. I have to tell you this amazing story a dear friend of mine shared about her sweet daughter, Elle. What seemed like a harmless American Girl Doll play date turned into an important life lesson. Elle was playing at a friend’s house with two sisters and American Girl Dolls. The sisters were really having a day. I get it we all have those days. You’ve heard it, the back and forth, can’t get it right, must push through with an argument kind of a day. Throughout this play date, Elle just stayed to herself and kept playing with her American Doll, probably doing her best to ignore the sisters. The sisters’ mom attempted to intervene and made the logical argument that there are three American Dolls and three girls wanting to play…you can do the math. Sometimes logical solutions don’t add up for sisters, and so the debating continued. On the way home, it was just the sisters’ mom and Elle in the car. Elle has a great relationship with her friend’s mom and felt comfortable sharing about her experience. Elle says to her, the sisters were just having such a hard time and arguing and going on and on and at one point I just thought to myself, “what am I even doing here?”

YES! Exactly Elle, you brilliant and wise 7 year old. We hear you! How many times in life, whether in home, relationships, or work does this hit us, “what am I even doing here?” It’s a great line. A funny little story in one sense that Elle had this beautiful insight, but in truth she is right on. SPOT on. And how amazing, that Elle is already being confronted by boundaries and that she had the confidence to question and acknowledge that this situation was not quite right…something is off here and I’m not sure why I’m here.

We’ve all been there. Draining work can cause this feeling. Toxic relationships that we somehow get stuck in can cause this feeling. And the worst part is that we can get used to it and forget that we have a choice. I’m not saying we can quit our jobs or walk away from all of our relationships, but we do have a choice around personal boundaries and protecting our emotions. If something isn’t feeling right and is maybe taking too much of our own emotional energy, it is ok to have a limit.

I talk about this often in therapy as our own personal capacity. Once our limit is hit, that’s when it’s important to set up a barrier or a boundary. Even if we are unable to remove ourselves from the situation or relationship, we can engage in it in a different way that doesn’t allow for the drain…a way that we advocate for ourselves…a way that is protective. Thinking through, and practicing saying no, whether it’s one more ask at work, another volunteering job for our kid’s sports team, a need from our spouse, or even a possibly toxic relationship, it’s very important that we learn how to say no.

Asking the questions is the first step to building some awareness and perspective:

• What am I even doing here?
• Why am I giving this relationship so much of my emotional energy?
• Do I have more time to give?
• Do I have more emotional energy to give?
• What is this doing for me? How is this filling me up, or is it?

Ask the questions, and then think it through. Life is full and our capacity is only so much. It’s important that we save that capacity for the things that bring us joy, wellness, safety, positivity, and the good stuff that fills us up. Practicing saying no, setting limits, and pulling back from challenging relationships is hard work, so practice on the small things. But start by asking the questions.

There are so many variables in life we cannot control. Stoic Quote “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?” – Epictetus. One thing we can control is where we spend our time and our energy, and even how much of it we give. We can give a little, but we can also protect a little and hold back a little in order to avoid landing in a place where we are with Emma wondering, “what am I even doing here?”

Next Steps

If you are someone looking to find support with personal and professional boundaries and enhancing meaningful relationships, there are therapists such as myself that specialize in supporting these needs. Please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. I can let you know if I think therapy would be a good fit for you. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.

“Do you see me? Do you hear me? Are you there?”     

Have you ever felt really disconnected with your child? Do you ever feel like your child constantly asks for more of you and for more of your attention? Do you get the feeling that they need more but you can’t quite figure out what that looks like or how to add that into your busy life?

I know most parents and caregivers have experienced these feelings. Here’s the deal, it’s really normal and really frustrating. These times may come up more when your child is making an adjustment or dealing with a challenge, but they can also simply be a part of the everyday game. It is a normal part of a child’s development and relationship with their parent for them to want to be seen, be heard, and feel like you are present with them.

But how do you make this happen as a parent? Meet their need for attention, while also alleviating some of the ever present “am I spending enough time with my kids,” parent guilt. Here’s a tool that you can try out to connect well with your children that can both positively impact your relationship and increase positive behavior changes. Also, you may have one child that ends up taking more of your time due to higher needs like a chronic illness or behavioral challenge…this tool is an easy way to connect with your other children helping them get the attention they need as well.

Short, quality, one on one, positive time. Integrating regular short, but focused quality time with your child can greatly enhance your relationship. This time gives your child so many messages including that you are present with them, that you care about them, and that they are special. I recommend starting with 15 minutes 3 days a week per child. Make it clear and intentional by setting a timer and telling your child that this is their time. They get to be in charge (within reason!) of what you do during this time and your job is simply to hyperfocus in on your child. Give encouragement, give love, but most of all just give attention. Undivided, uninterrupted, intentional attention.

Having positive relationships with your children is highly important to the health and well being of your family. Spending positive, one on one time with your children individually is critical to developing the bond that makes each person feel important to the other. Although this may feel like a huge commitment, in the long run, you will see the benefits and it will actually save you time.

In fact, the time that you put into your child by doing this practice will save time later because it will promote positive behavior, enhance a close bond with your child, and have a lasting impact on their development. It also models for them the importance of intentionally nurturing relationships. I have seen this WORK. And fairly quickly too. Once this becomes a consistent part of a child or teen’s experience with their parent, the shifting can begin.

Here are some things to consider for your one on one time:

• Your child is in charge during this time. Give them the control of deciding what activity you will do together. No need to add anything to their play, just let them guide the direction and flow of the activity.
• For older kids and teens let them bring up topics of conversation and avoid any judgments.
• Show interest and focus on your child but avoid asking questions or distracting from their play or chosen activity.
• Comment on or describe what your child is doing and for older kids reflect on what they are saying in order to communicate that you are listening and you understand.
• Avoid teaching or directing during this time. This is really important! That’s not what this time is for, save that for another time. Let them be in charge! It’s hard but will get easier with practice, and just remember, they do it all the time as we are almost always the ones in charge and in control.
• Allow your child to direct your involvement.
• Provide lots of encouragement and love and really build up that this is your special time together.
• Set a timer so that it is clear and intentional, reminding them that once the timer goes off the time will end. If your child does better with a 2-3 minute alert for transition, set that timer too.
• Let anyone else in the house know that this is your special time so that they know not to interrupt.

I know it sounds simple but we forget to spend quality time with our kids. The difference with the time I’m talking about here is that they are running the show. It’s truly THEIR time and we are just there to be present and give attention. This time will cut back on attention seeking behaviors because, that need is being met. Consistency is key so that your child can expect this special time and appreciate your relationship. It communicates that you value what they need, because they do in fact need your time and attention.

Next Steps

I have a background in child development and work with parents of kids of all ages to build lasting positive relationships with their children. If you are a parent who would like additional support and coaching, please contact me here. I offer free 15 minute consultations where I’ll try to get an idea of what you are dealing with and how I can help. We will get a good sense of each other and can decide if I’m the best fit for you. Together we will make a plan for the next steps.